Young People Talk about the Enneagram and Death, Part IV (final)


 

Death gets some attention, from “The Enneagram of Death.”

Death gets some attention, from “The Enneagram of Death.”

 

Continuing what Claus, the 8-Asserter on my panel of mostly young Enneagram types had to say about death, “I freaked out when I was a child and my mother and father were about to get divorced. I had a bad relationship with my father. I was afraid and wanted them to stay together. I said if they get divorced I would find a way. But I wanted so badly for them to wait until my younger sister was older.

 

“My worst case senario is if someone had a funeral and there was only a priest, the undertaker, and the photographer. What kind of life did I have if no one showed up? I’d rather be dead. When I die I want it to be spectacular.”

 

Brita, the 9-Peace Seeker, said, “Death was always a present thought, not necessarily a fear. I always loved staring at the stars. I see myself floating around them after I die, in and out. I remember thinking when I was little I wanted to be buried in an Egyptian sarcophagus. If I were to lose anyone so close to me—it’s okay if it’s me, but if it were one of my siblings, it would leave such a hole in my heart. It’s okay to talk about it and I do with friends.

 

“I was filling out a life insurance thing and my dad was a cosigner. This was a good opportunity to approach my death with him. My dad said, ‘Do you think they make those Egyptian urns?’ I didn’t know but I said, ‘Make it happen.’”

 

Defenses

 

Mark Epstein (in his article, “The Trauma of Being Alive,” New York Times 8-4-13), “In resisting trauma and in defending ourselves from feeling its full impact, we deprive ourselves of its truth.” The young people on my Enneagram panel were willing, however, to tackle the subject of death and to discuss the defenses they use. Some said they’re likely to worry about something else rather than what’s really bothering them; others said they get busy doing as a defense.

 

Brita, the 9-Peace Seeker, has the defense of spacing out to avoid the unpleasant. “Part of what I struggle with is narcotization. I can see myself having warning signs, like chest pains or something, and ignoring them. Being here and speaking about it, I can call myself out on it. I don’t want to space out. As a 9, I work on showing up and having deep heart connections. If I allow myself to be numb to the world, isolate, and withdraw, when I do pass on I won’t have experience life and touched the lives around me. It will be as if I was never here. I’ll be damned if I’ll let that happen.”

 

Defense mechanisms are normal and useful, Epstein says. His article ends: “The willingness to face traumas—be they large, small, primitive or fresh—is the key to healing from them. They may never disappear in the way we think they should, but maybe they don’t need to. Trauma is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of it, not in spite of it.” An undercurrent of trauma runs through ordinary life, shot through as it is with the poignancy of impermanence.”

 

That we all share in these mysteries brings us together as humans.

 

A Peace Seeker talks to Death from “The Enneagragram of Death”

A Peace Seeker talks to Death from “The Enneagragram of Death”

 

 

 

 End of series. See part I Sept. 24, Part II Oct. 8, Part III Oct. 22.

 

Read my blog about healing psychotherapy’s image in Psychology Today Oct. 15. 

 

Visit “The Beethoven Enneagram” on FaceBook.

 

 

Visit http://wagele.com to check out my books, CD, cartoons, and essays, and Famous Enneagram Types.

 

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Young People Talk about the Enneagram and Death, Part III


From "The Enneagram of Death" by Elizabeth Wagele

From “The Enneagram of Death” by Elizabeth Wagele

Continuing what my panel of mostly young Enneagram types had to say about death at the International Enneagram Association conference last August , Max, the 6-Questioner, said, “I work in community health. One of the clients I’m seeing is drinking himself to death at age 52. He’s a pleasant drunk who acts like a 7-Adventurer and has been abusing his body. We all know that someone who refuses treatment can’t be helped. I went to his house a week or two ago. He was pissing on himself, sitting on the floor drinking his third beer at about 10:00 a.m. I told him, ‘You’re dying.’ He said, ‘Yes I know. I was taken to the hospital yesterday. The doctor told me I had one week to live.’ I sat with him that morning as he faced his death, his circumstance, and it brought me up against my own death.

 

“If a person is a danger to himself or others and can’t be trusted, we can do what we have to do to help them. But alcohol is in a gray area so we community health workers can’t do anything about it. Generally, the reaction of the mental health community is paranoid—to overreact. But I wasn’t told I could do anything. This man had burned all his bridges and was purposeless. Even his son didn’t want to have anything to do with him.

 

“I realized death is simply a transition. Most people clutch to the enjoyment of life but we don’t know what’s on the other side. It could be less difficult than life. I’ve gone through losing a father and close friends. Vicariously living through this man, I didn’t fear dying. I realized I like my attachments and friendships, but I also realized death doesn’t have to be something to be terrified of. I shared this with my supervisors and they said, if the person really wants to die….”

 

Bonnie, the 7-Adventurer, said, “I prefer not to think about death. I don’t like to think about negative emotions so I try to think about the good parts of death: letting go, the end of something. My own death feels more like a deadline; I only have this much time to get all the things done I want to do. It’s pressure. The only people I’ve known who have died have been very old or suffering for a long time and we knew it was coming. I’m still somewhat naïve. I don’t like thinking about the pain that would come.”

 

Claus, the 8-Asserter, said, “I have the sense that I’m the one in charge. I want to make sure my children and my wife are independent and capable before I die. My children aren’t old enough to take care of themselves. They have to be strong enough to be independent.

 

“I’ve almost never lost anyone…  I lost my former fiancée when she was very young. When I hear a story about death, it’s hard to allow that injustice. Why did that person die?

 

My fear is only about people around me, not me. I’m a lot more terrified of being crippled—that’s much higher on my brain than my own death. A friend’s friend’s daughter was run over by a truck that backed over her. He held her. Then she died.  She was 3. How should I ever live ever if anything happened to my daughter? When something happens to kids it freaks me out.”

 

Part I was Sept. 24, Part II was Oct. 8. See Part IV (more of type 8; and type 9) Oct. 29. The inspiration for this workshop was the book, “The Enneagram of Death.”

 

 

Read my blog about healing PTSD in Psychology Today Oct. 2.

 

 

Visit “Finding the Birthday Cake” on FaceBook. Check out my work on wagele.com.

 

 

Young People Talk about the Enneagram and Death, Part II


The Reaper and the 3-Achiever from "The Enneagram of Death"

The Reaper and the 3-Achiever from “The Enneagram of Death”

Richard, the 3-Achiever (an older member of the panel of mostly 30-year-olds speaking about death at the International Enneagram Conference in Denver this summer) still mourns the deaths of his parents. “When I was young I was afraid of death. I’m not any longer. My parents modeled how to die for me. My father had heart disease. He said, ‘I’m done’ and slowly slipped away. My mother had a stroke and lived with a caretaker. I called her every day. Every month my brother or I went to spend a week with her. One morning at 7:00 I called and asked if she was okay. I heard something in her voice. I called my brother and said mom is dying today. Again at lunchtime and dinnertime, I told her I loved her. The call came at 1:00 am that she had died. I have no idea how I knew. I had had a troubled relationship with her; on my last visit she asked me if I had forgiven her and I had. It was peaceful.”

 

NY Times author Mark Epstein says, “Mourning has no timetable. Grief is not the same for everyone. And it does not always go away. [Therapists seem to agree that] the healthiest way to deal with trauma is to lean into it, rather than try to keep it at bay.”

 

Richard went on, “I never liked the idea of death. When I was faced with a coronary artery bypass I wasn’t frightened at all. I asked my family if they had any questions for me. My daughter asked, “Do you love my brother more than me?” I answered I love them differently and I couldn’t say I love one more than the other. If I died, I’d die. My son asked me if there was anything I wanted. I had heard a French pianist playing a Chopin nocturne and he got that CD for me, which I played over and over in my room. I woke up the next day with 5 stents and haven’t had any trouble since. I had done what I needed to do. I was surprised at how tranquil I was because I go to the 6-Questioner. I had gotten to the point in my life where I was okay with it. I don’t know where we go after we die but I’m not scared.”

 

The Reaper and the 4-Romantic from "The Enneagram of Death"

The Reaper and the 4-Romantic from “The Enneagram of Death”

 

Gail, the 4-Romantic, said, “I’ve had a lot of suffering because my brother was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. The possibility of losing him was so horrible, I just had to believe he’d be okay. I call my mother every day now; you’ve got to appreciate the people you’ve got while they’re still alive. I’m trying to balance the real possibility of my brother’s death with trying to not think about it. If anything happened to him or my nephews I don’t think I could survive. I don’t believe in god, but when this happened I wished I had something spiritual to help me.”

 

Kacie, the 5-Observer, said, “I worry the most about sudden death. I’m always aware I or my loved ones could die any time. When I see someone I care about, I tell them I love them in case we never see each other again. I feel we really don’t know what happens after we die. We have to live right now.”

 

Death speaks to an introvert and possibly an Observer. From “The Happy Introvert.”

Death speaks to an introvert and possibly a 5-Observer. From “The Happy Introvert.”

 

See Part I (types 1, 2, and 3) of this blog Sept. 24.

See Part III (types 6, 7, and 8) on Oct. 22.

 

Read my blog about healing PSTD in Psychology Today Oct. 1.

 

Visit “The Enneagram of Parenting” on FaceBook.

Check out my work on wagele.com.